Some Bad Poetry

These were written over a several week period; a few months ago. Angie? Barbara? Is this poetry?

Last Night I Was Thinking:

praying is more like it

one day a month

would asking for one day a month

be too much to ask

for just one day a month to

feel my body without

the noisy distraction of pain

I just can't remember

what that feels like anymore

to not feel pain

without all the numbing meds

in my life

to scratch an itch without it hurting

to rub my muscles and feel soreness

because I rode the exercise bike

instead of bumpy ropey bands

of wasted muscles

it is unpleasant to feel them

Just one day a month

without any pain at all

Is that too much to ask?

===================================================

Quiet Wanted

the last time I had a day

without pain

I remember it clearly

It was a tease

leaving the acupuncture treatment

standing outside and leaning against

the brick wall I felt

nothing

no pain

just a quiet

quiet sense of my body and

who I am without pain

Spring of 2001

two hours of beautiful silence

===================================================

Knowing I need to say sorry

to all the people in my life

who have hurt too

because I let them down

over and over again

with reasons

they saw it as excuses

who could blame them

no one knows

unless they feel and experience it too

I run the apologies over in my mind

day after day

night after night

but never seem to get around to it

but I will

one day

when it is quiet

and I feel better

hope it happens because

I have caused pain too

and I am sorry

====================================================

Narcotics

they numb me down

and I get forgetful too

yeah they cover that pain pretty good

so I can climb Mt. Everest

they are supposed to help me for eight hours

Six hours later

the pain comes back

they, the pills and my pain

make me forget to care about my kids

my friends

my responsibilities

they wrap me up in a tight little

cocoon so I don't feel much

of anything at all.

=================================================

People say to me

"you are so strong

I admire you and

don't know if I could be so strong"

it is better to let them believe

what they want

"you are so brave"

if only they knew the truth

they would say something else

or nothing at all

"you will get over this"

that is the biggest lie

of all

they need to believe this

to even look at my face

or hear my voice

or think of me at all

I am not mad

and I let them believe

what they have to believe

but I know better

and it is not okay

so I say nothing at all.

=====================================================

Tonight I was thinking

how much better I feel

because I reached out

to the ones that mean the most to me

to say I need you

I need more than you been giving

its my turn to ask for help

I love you

but you haven't been paying attention

and I am worth

some of your time

=====================================================

I Am Afraid

I was afraid five years ago

when nothing was known for sure

about what was the source of the pain

I was more afraid three years ago

when we knew what it was

that caused pain

I was afraid two years ago

when I could no longer work

it hurt too much

Last year I was afraid when I gave up

all thoughts of ever being able to work again

because of the pain

I am still afraid because

I look to the future

and see more pain

and not much else

And I am afraid no one

will ever want me

or find me attractive

because of how I feel pain

pain separates me from all the things

that I love, want and dream about

I am afraid nothing will change that

because I am too tired

========================================================

I just want to be left alone

not from the ones that I love

and care about so much

but from the takers

who have taken so much

leave me be

talked to me without a trace

of humanity

take all you want

there is nothing left for you

of value

just ole sad dusty sentimental things

nothing you could possibly want

take it

let me have my peace

I have done my part

the best way I can

the only way I can

go elsewhere to make another miserable

leave me to paint

to dream

to hope

to heal

and to rest

and to love

those that matter most