What You Don't Know About Me:

9/1/2005 Clingman's Dome NC

Ladies night out in the garden June 2001

July 2003 Playing with the cigar

Stealing River Rocks with Lisa and Jennifer Oct. 2004

What you don't know about me is that I love each member of my family unconditionally! I think of you all very often. I think of my kids every single day and their kids. That is how this works.

My favorite color is purple. My favorite tv show is Boston Legal and the View (Rosie rocks and she makes me laugh every single day!). I don't feel almost 57. Though I love art; my furr babies and being outside is better than that. I am rarely afraid of anything. I don't care for spiders all that much. I love the mornings. Especially in the garden before all the noisy humans wake up. I still love music so much. I hate listening to the news; it is so depressing to see all the people who have been harmed and families torn apart. The war in Iraq is wrong to me though I support and love our troops! And I can be very conservative on some things; like personal responsibility. The words from Dr. Phil "owning up" are right on! I like watching Oprah's guests and she is doing great work though she is not one of my favorite people in the world. Ms. Got Rocks! LOL I have learned over the years to be more accepting of other peoples political views. Mom was so political and she taught me to care deeply about people and their living conditions. And to be very vocal about it. She also told me that no matter what your your views are to stand up for what you believe in and don't be afraid others won't like you for your views. I learned my love of nature and my spiritual beliefs from my mother too. In our private time together and conversations; I gather her spiritual beliefs were more in line with love and respect of nature vs organized religions.

I never wanted there to be distance between myself and any members of my family. The last several years I would have given anything to have been able to attend the family reunions. There were a few restrictions besides my health. Finances are very very tight. I have a dog and three cats and no one until recently who I trusted to care for them properly while gone. Any one of these reasons were enough to prevent me from attending.

I do have trouble driving long distances. As many of you know, I take a narcotic for pain that is time released and as a result I am impaired too impaired to be driving. I have driven while taking this medication while going to Atlanta twice this year and I was terrified the entire way. Not for me but what if I hurt someone else? This year it looked like I was really going to make it as I was going to drive down with Barb and her family in that big vehicle with comfy seats. But it was canceled and I understand why but I was disappointed. I now have caretakers for my furr babies; my ex Mary and her spouse Sarah. They love animals and I know mine will be cared for well and loved while I am gone.

So if you didn't know I love you all you do now!

I may not be anyone's hero the way I have dealt with what happened to my body and the way I cope; but my health care providers are so proud of me. And I guess they know best. It is pointless to get into a competition about who has the most pain; there is just no way to judge this. I respect anyone living with chronic pain no matter how they got that way. It is not easy no matter what the circumstances.

There is so much scientists are learning about chronic/intractable pain and much of what they are learning totally debunks what is commonly thought. Each person reacts to pain differently and reacts to the treatments differently. The brain is such an amazing organ especially when dealing with pain. I am fascinated by this subject. And over the last seven years I have tried just about everything there is out there. One of the best things was learning and using Progressive Muscle Relaxation therapy; it is awesome. But some days not even that can take away the edge or hold the anxiety at bay.

But my pain doctor is very fond of me and proud. Everytime he cuts me; he pats my butt afterwards and calls me a strong woman. His name is Dr. Bullard and he cares deeply about chronic pain and his patients. I have to share a funny story about what happened when Morgan met him. Barb brought the kids up here to care for me when I had the trial spinal cord stimulator surgery. Morgan when he met the doctor asked him to remove all the things in his grandmother's body that hurt her. Dr. Bullard could tell Morgan was concerned and a bit nervous. So he made a joke in his very dry Bristish humor. He said", "Morgan if I did that you would have to carry your grandmother around in a bucket like a bucket of chicken!" You should have seen Morgan's face before he began laughing.

Winters are the worst for me. I don't sleep well because of the deep aches in my joints especially my hips. The days are so short and that does not help. My hands don't work well especially in the winter nor do my feet. If I had a nickle for everytime I dropped something I would be rich in a month. The cats are on constant standby in case I drop something that is edible, fun to play with or something heavy which could hurt them. They seem to know when to stay out of my way. LOL

I love camping; absolutely adore it. A goal of mine is to go camping by myself. I have a friend who owns the upper two thirds of a mounting right in the middle of the Blue Ridge Mtn range. She and I camped out there in 2002 (was it really four years ago?) We camped at the mid range right on the road her dad and graded and had an awesome view. We took a 30 min hike (a typical person would have done it in ten minutes) up to a small valley on the ridge. It was early spring so we were busy looking for Trillium, Wild Geranium, Mountain Laurel (too early), Blood Roots, etc. She let me dig up two garbage bags of these plants as it was her land so no problem. They are sitting in my garden now.

Lisa knows little about camping. She filled the back of my truck with stuff we didn't need. LOL She kept leaving the tent unzipped and I caught a huge a really huge spider jumping into the tent. "Lisa!!!!!!!!!!! Zip it!" All the real camping gear was mine and I was the only one who knew how to use it. But lighting propane anything scares the crap out of me. Bet you didn't know that. LOL It was a great trip even if it was only one night. We both are early risers and had such a beautiful view in the am. The Blue Ridge really does have a blue mists in the morning especially. And lots of fireflies in the evening; an amazing site while sitting by the campfire.

That night after dinner with our coffee, wrapped in our warm sweaters we watched the stars. There were millions and so clear as it was far from humans and city lights. We were facing the mountain; Lisa came up behind me, wrapped her arms about me and said, "Look up! Look way up and you can make out the shape of the ridge where we hiked today. I am so proud of you. You walked all the way up there without my help. You should be proud of yourself!"

So that is my goal. To take a few days with my gear and my last dog and go camping up there alone when the weather gets warmer. Lisa lives about three miles from there so I won't be exactly far from loved ones. I just need and want so much some alone time with nature. It is so healing. I plan on taking my plein air stuff and try my hand at some watercolors and drawings of one of the most beautiful places in the world.

Lisa's father recently passed away so this mountain top really is hers as she is an only child and her father willed her this land. I have a dream (with Lisa's permission) that one day we could have the Family Reunion up there. It is such a magical place and healing. I think it would be awesome!


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